Posts Tagged ‘NFL’


The FFFL Trophy!

It’s been awhile since I’ve updated the Faptickled Fantasy Football League, which is brought to you by The Cooley Zone along with honorary commissioner Kenny Mayne. And…wow let me get you caught up!

We have 12 participants in the league, which consist of 10 guys and 2 chicks. Thru Week 7, both girls are in first place! The Tightest End and Romo’s New Jessica are sitting atop the two divisions!

The Tightest End has won 2 in a row to pull into a 3 way tie with The Staches and 15 Swinging Dicks…all teams are 4-3. Fanfuckingtastic, The New Kent Zornicators and Dead Man Walking are right behind at 3-4.

In the other division, Romo’s New Jessica is 6-1, and holds a two game lead over Orakpo’s Bandwagon and Skins N’ Beer. Muffin Head, Ninja’s Will Owl and King Of Vols are still in it and vying for a playoff spot.

The winner gets to sign Cooley’s cast…ooops I mean the winner gets a Chris Cooley signed jersey…are the guys really going to get their asses kicked by the girls???

Cheers and Hail

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Posted by fatpickle    Date: Thursday, October 29, 2009

Categories: Fatpickled

Tags: , , ,

The Urban Dictionary For NFL Coaches


If it’s on the Internet it must be true, right? Sometimes I enjoy searching the Urban Dictionary for fun definitions, a Cincinatti Traffic Jam is still one of my favorites. So I decided to search the UD for the definitions of all 32 NFL head coaches. The results of what I found are below, you have the definitions, along with the proper use of each coaches name in a sentence. Feel free to incorporate the lingo in your day to day vocabulary. I mean, I spend every Sunday trying to not end up Sean Paytoning myself!

Tom Coughlan - a code word for a girl’s period.

My girls been giving me a ration of s*&# all day, she must be on her Tom Couglan.

Andy Reid - Fat, overweight, or obese

Rick’s dropped 30 pounds and he’s still Andy Reid.

Wade Phillips - slang term for marijuana meaning “weed”.

They say 70% of the NBA tests positive for Wade Phillips.

Jim Zorn - A slang term used to discreetly refer to a man’s erection.

I’ve got to sit here at my desk for a minute or two, I had a Jim Zorn pop up on me.

Brad Childress - One that is in sync with his/her “bitches and hoes”

I’ve totally got my Brad Childress working with Halle Berry & Jennifer Anniston.

Lovie Smith - A person who does not leave and does not understand the word no.

Megan Fox has told Fatpickle to get lost a thousand times, but he’s still Lovie Smithing her.

Mike McCarthy - to fail, screw up or mess up

I can’t believe we found a way to Mike McCarthy this game up.

Jim Schwartz - Anyone who has the knack for working on any project and making it turn out like crap.

Did you see the proposal Rich did for the meeting? He totally Jim Schwartz’d it.

Sean Payton - excess alcohol consumption, resulting in shitting of the pants.

Had to throw away my boxers last night, that last lemon drop made me Sean Payton.

Mike Smith - Loser with a hairy ass and nice titties and a small penis.

Rush Limbaugh is Mike Smith.

John Fox - a person who uses the services of a prostitute

I’m going to log onto to Craig’s list and see if I can get my John Fox on.

Raheem Morris - To simultaneously sneeze and s*&#.

Ahh, ahh, ahh, chooo. Oh no! I Raheem Morris’d!

Mike Singletary - To take a s*&# on somebody’s forehead and wake them up quickly.

Common Johnny wake up! The fish are biting! If you’re not up in 5 minutes I’m going to Mike Singletary you.

Ken Whisenhunt - Barbie’s plastic bitch.

Derek can’t do anything anymore; his girl treats him like Ken Whisenhunt.

Jim Mora - To take a talented and winning core of players and coach them into a miserable season.

Who does this Norv Turner think he is…Jim Mora?

Steve Spagnolo - A visible thong on a woman above her jeans/shorts

Look at that smoking hot girl right there, I see a red Steve Spagnolo peeking out.

Rex Ryan - A man with an 11 incher who picks up a lot of milfs at the library.

Eric tapped another hot milf last night, the guys becoming a regular Rex Ryan!

Bill Belichick - Cheater, Fraud, Led the New England Patriots to 3 Tainted Super Bowl Championships.

Mr. Snyder I’ve found the answer to turn things around, the answer is cheating…and we need Bill Belichick as an “extra set of eyes.”

Tony Sparano - a great man, a horny bastard though

I hope on my tombstone it reads “here lays Tony Sparano”

Dick Jauron - An adjective to describe a guy who is a jerk or does mean and stupid things.

Dan Snyder has run this franchise into the ground by being a total Dick Jauron.

Marvin Lewis - The act of dick slapping or hitting a woman with your penis.

Do you think Obama’s gives the first lady a Marvin Lewis?

John Harbaugh - Randomly adding people on facebook that you have never met in real life, especially girls that write on your friend’s walls.

I don’t know who this freak is trying to be friend me on Facebook, do you know John Harbaugh?

Mike Tomlin - To do a Tomlin involves the individual concerned struggling with his or her latent longing for sex with their own gender to such an extent that a mental breakdown occurs.

Do you recall 2 seasons ago when T.O. had that Mike Tomlin?

Eric Mangini – a camel toe

Look at the hot chick in the spandex…can you say Eric Mangini?

Jim Caldwell - to describe yourself or someone with a large penis.

Looks like that Visanthe Shiancoe is smuggling a Jim Caldwell.

Jack Del Rio - To masturbate

I don’t know about you, but I can’t function on my day off till I Jack Del Rio.

Gary Kubiak – An a-hole.

You know Rick from accounting is a total Gary Kubiak.

Jeff Fisher - The art of burping and farting at the same time.

I love the chili from Ben’s Chili Bowl, but it always gives me the Jeff Fishers.

Josh Mcdaniels - Getting a hand job.

Well..honey, can I at least get a Josh McDaniels?

Norv Turner - Used to describe the pinnacle of dysfunctional head coaching abilities conversationally

Dan Snyder hired Zorn because he thought he was the next Norv Turner.

Tom Cable - To take a shit

Call the plumber, I just laid a Tom Cable that won’t go down.

Todd Haley – The wet spot in a bed.

Let’s do it over here, I don’t want to sleep on the Todd Haley all night.

Cheer and Hail

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Posted by fatpickle    Date: Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Categories: NFL

Tags: , ,

Week 5: Pickin On The NFL

I pick winners...yeah that's the ticket!

I completely sucked in Week 4…but I didn’t receive any emails trashing me…so I’m assuming nobody took my advice. I was 9-5 straight up and a miserable 5-9 against the spread. There were definitely some tough games on the schedule, but someone did win my office pool by going 14-0. My underdog pick finally lost, but I’m still alive in the Survivor game. I guess my horrible production last week means I’m do this week.

Here are my year to date numbers:
Straight Up 44-18 71%
ATS 31-30-1 50%
Survivor lock of the week 4-0 (BAL, MIN, GB, IND)
Underdog of the week 3-1

My week 5 picks:

CIN @ BAL-8.5 The Ravens get back to their winning ways. BAL 27 CIN 16

CLE @ BUF-6 Flip a freakin coin, or take the home team. BUF 20 CLE 17

WAS @ CAR-3.5 The underdog pick of the week (the only dog I picked.) WAS 19 CAR 14

PIT-11 @ DET Lock of the week…PIT 30 DET 10

DAL-9 @ KC I look for Romo & Witten to have big games. DAL 27 KC 13

OAK @ NYG-16 I don’t care who QB’s for the Giants. NYG 24 OAK 7

TB @ PHI-15.5 Eagles win but too many points! PHI 23 TB 13

MIN-10.5 @ STL Big bully beatdown. MIN 31 STL 9

ATL @ SF-3 Singletary has his players and me, believing. SF 20 ATL 17

HOU @ ARI -5.5 This should be an old fashioned shootout. ARI 30 HOU 27

NE-3.5 @ DEN Denver will not be the ugliest 5-0 team ever. NE 23 DEN 16

JAC @ SEA NL Hasselbeck gets the Seahawks back in the W column. SEA 24 JAC 20

IND-4 @ TEN The Vince Young era may re-begin in this game. IND 27 TEN 17

NYJ-2 @ MIA Just can’t back Henne at this point. NYJ 21 MIA 16

Cheers and Hail

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Posted by fatpickle    Date: Friday, October 9, 2009

Categories: Fatpickled, NFL

Tags: ,

NFL: Week 4 In Review

Fatpickle’s NFL Week in review posts are 1 sentence thoughts on each NFL team. Sometimes a guest joins me, this week I’m solo, last week I skipped it all together. I suck.


NYG A couple weeks ago I said they may not make the playoffs; wrong…they win at least 11 games, F me to tears.

PHI Mcribb better get healthy fast…or risk losing his job, especially since he’s the 3rd best QB on the roster.

DAL The Cowboys should never ever throw the football when all their RB’s are healthy, period.

WAS Zorn’s been around the West Coast offense for nearly 20 years, same amount of time I’ve been with my wife. I don’t need an “extra set of eyes,” to know what offensive plays to run on her.


MIN My hatred of this team is growing like the ugly beard on Brad Childress’s face.

GB This team would be so much better if they could just protect Rodgers.

CHI Jay Cutler and Nuke Laloosh may be the same person.

DET Stafford can have a great career throwing the high ball to those Johnsons.


NO At least Reggie Bush can score with Kim Kardashian.

ATL This team just seems blah this year.

TB Why not look to the future with your #1 pick (Freeman?)

CAR There’s a Cajun word down on the bayou that describes Delhomme…sucks.


SF Is Vernon Davis blossoming?

SEA This team goes nowhere without a healthy Hasselback, I mean beck.

ARI I wonder if Boldin’s brother tweets. I’d like to hear what Boldin thinks about his looks.

STL The greatest turd on turf.


NYJ Good defense, hardnosed coach, good running game…that’s how you win in the NFL.

NE Stealing other teams information…that’s how you win Super Bowls in the NFL.

BUF I think T.O. is keeping himself together pretty well, considering…

MIA The feel good story of last season seems long ago and far away.


BAL Still the team to beat in the AFC.

CIN Playoffs…uh no!

PIT Wow…does Polamalu make a difference on that D!

CLE Mangini’s autobiography should be titled “How To Not Win Games While Alienating Your Players.”


IND It’s a given that they start each year by winning 8 or 10 in a row.

JAC Wow, they could end up being 6-2…then finish 7-9.

HOU I don’t think this team will ever be able to take the next step.

TEN After 4 weeks of picking them to win, they now could start 0-8. Ramsey or Young?


DEN Ugliest 4-0 team ever? Can the Royal Baller get some touches?

SD Norv and Zorn have the same postgame speech. “We’re getting better; we just need to make a couple plays.” Uh, Norv…the Chargers were 14-2 before you got there.

OAK The QB is completing 39% of his passes and the Coach might be going to jail. Al Davis is unaware about any of this.

KC Look at it this way KC, you’re not as bad as the Rams.

Cheers and Hail

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Posted by fatpickle    Date: Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Categories: Fatpickled, NFL


Week 3: Pickin On The NFL

I’m not going to tell everyone out there reading this to call your bookie up and use my picks…but I will tell you that I am hot! Last week I was 11-5 straight up (ok) but an amazing 10-6 ATS (cha-ching.) Here are may overall stats thru week2.

Straight Up 24-8 75%
ATS 18-13-1 56%
Survivor lock of the week 2-0 (BAL, MIN)
Underdog of the week 2-0

Here are my week 3 picks:

CLE @ BAL-13 Ravens (really good) + Cleveland (sucks) = BAL 27 CLE 10

NYG-6.5 @ TB Bet against the Bucs until further notice. NYG 28 TB 17

KC @ PHI –8.5 The Eagles win, the wild card is who is the QB…for either team? PHI 23 KC 13

SF @ MIN –6.5 I could almost pick the 49er’s for an outright upset here…but I’m not. Min 17 SF 16

WAS-6 @ DET Since my prediction failed last week, I’ll use it again this week, the Skins finally win a game by double digits. WAS 24 DET 13

CHI-1.5 @ SEA So why is everyone picking up Johnny Knoxville in fantasy this week? Jackasses. CHI 21 SEA 17

DEN-1.5 @ OAK Russell has a 120.3 QB rating against the Broncos in 3 career games…I don’t care. DEN 19 OAK 16

TEN @ NYJ-2.5 I can’t see the Titans losing 3 in a row, can’t see a rookie QB winning 3 in a row. TEN 24 NYJ 20

GB-6.5 @ STL The Pack gets back on track here, your survivor lock of the week. GB 28 STL 13

ATL @ NE-4 Toughest game on the board, I’ll take NE but I can see them getting upset. NE 24 ATL 21

JAC @ HOU-3.5 The Jags have been horrible against the pass, look for Johnson and Schaub to go off. HOU 30 JAC 17

NO-6 @ BUF Forecast calls for rain and the Saints running game will suffer with Bell out. BUF 28 NO 24

PIT-4 @ CIN Last minute TD by Big Ben upends the Bungles again. PIT 23 CIN 17

MIA @ SD-6 The 4th down play call by Norv last week is all you need to know. MIA 21 SD 20

IND @ ARI-2.5 The last of my 3 upsets, I’ll call this one the upset of the week. IND 31 ARI 20

CAR @ DAL-8.5 This week’s episode of Jerry Jone’s crib is brought to you by ESPN. DAL 26 CAR 20

Cheers and Hail

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Posted by fatpickle    Date: Friday, September 25, 2009

Categories: Fatpickled, NFL

Tags: ,

NFL: Week 2 In Review-AFC

Part 2 review of the NFL teams heading into week 3. Porkboy and I tackle the AFC


FP: Someday Jets fans will look back at this 2-0 start and think…WTF happened?
PB: A new tough head coach, I’d like to see him fight Tom Cable…his daddy taught him how to punch! USC QB’s have had a lot of success in the NFL right? No?

FP: It’s over Johnny, it’s over.
PB: Hmmm this game is a lot tougher when you don’t have the other team’s signs and know what defense the other team is in and when they are blitzing!

FP: Fantasy world, meet Fred Jackson.
PB: So you fire the O-coordinator a week before the season because he was passing too much out of the no huddle offense? What did you think…he was going to run a draw play 20 times? Oh o, popcorn boy is not happy.

FP: I’d really like to BBQ some day with Tony Sparano, I bet he knows how to grill a sausage.
PB: Parcells always has a big turnaround in his first season, and then they play below .500 in the next. If the Jets didn’t give them Pennington they wouldn’t have won 5 games last year.


FP: Best team in the NFL right now? Cam Cameron = great O coordinator/sucky HC.
PB: To say that Ozzie Newsome doesn’t get enough credit, is to say that Baltimore doesn’t have a lot of white trash…stop wearing that purple camo to work people!

FP: If Pauly Shore, I mean Jeff Reed gets cut, my only hope is he never ends up in DC, is he the biggest tool in the NFL?
PB: The fact that Dennis Green passed on Big Ben in the draft when he was in Arizona should be celebrated every year in Pittsburgh with a parade in Green’s honor. No wonder your doing beer adds, jackass!

FP: This team should be 2-0 right now, and if my aunt had balls she’d be my uncle.
PB: Wow, you brought Roy Williams to shore up that defense, Roy don’t let anybody get behind you in the last minute of a game,…Roy?…Roy? What is Stokely doing in the end zone?

FP: What happened to my fantasy sleeper pick James Davis? Is he sleeping?
PB: How did this team get worse? Oh, is it Mangini? Has anybody noticed that any coach coming from the Belichick coaching tree sucks when they aren’t cheating?


FP: I love to see a white guy with #44 sprinting down the field…#47 works to!
PB: Peyton has now figured out how to do commercials and play a game at the same time. Did you see him and Tiger? That’s the next Nike or Gatorade commercial.

FP: The 22 Swinging Dicks are reporting Steve Slaton as MIA.
PB: They will go as far as a healthy Matt Schaub will take them, so about 7-9.

FP: The Del Rio/Garrard years are similar to the Turner/Frerotte years.
PB: What happens to WR’s who go to this town? Waffle houses must be bad for a pro athlete’s diet…who’s the TE playing QB?

FP: This team actually faces a must win in week 3, I’d give it to Johnson 30 times.
PB: They now have a wide open offense, just in time for the defense to fall apart. Vince Young will get another chance this year…not at suicide, I’m talking about QB.


FP: Ugliest 2-0 team out there, what’s going on with the offense?
PB: Congrats to the new Ohio State Champions…who’s next Akron? Kent St?

FP: Norv Turner, then man can be defined in numbers, 8-8.
PB: The Charger must look around their division and laugh, “he punched who?” They traded who?” The paid how much for the backup QB who couldn’t start at USC?”

FP: Do the fans still paint themselves and dress up for this team?
PB: What’s it like to work there? The guy from the creep show runs meetings with an overhead projector from 1976…it would be funny if it weren’t so sad. Jamarcus loves the drive thru!

FP: I once took a dump on a canoe trip that was so awesome it had a name…this team reminds me of that dump.
PB: There leading receiver last week was a guy they signed off the street? How’s that Matt Cassel thing working out for you?

Cheers and Hail

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Posted by fatpickle    Date: Thursday, September 24, 2009

Categories: Fatpickled, NFL

Tags: ,

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