Posts Tagged ‘fatpickle’

FFFL

It’s been awhile since I’ve updated the Faptickled Fantasy Football League, which is brought to you by The Cooley Zone along with honorary commissioner Kenny Mayne. And…wow let me get you caught up!

We have 12 participants in the league, which consist of 10 guys and 2 chicks. Thru Week 7, both girls are in first place! The Tightest End and Romo’s New Jessica are sitting atop the two divisions!

The Tightest End has won 2 in a row to pull into a 3 way tie with The Staches and 15 Swinging Dicks…all teams are 4-3. Fanfuckingtastic, The New Kent Zornicators and Dead Man Walking are right behind at 3-4.

In the other division, Romo’s New Jessica is 6-1, and holds a two game lead over Orakpo’s Bandwagon and Skins N’ Beer. Muffin Head, Ninja’s Will Owl and King Of Vols are still in it and vying for a playoff spot.

The winner gets to sign Cooley’s cast…ooops I mean the winner gets a Chris Cooley signed jersey…are the guys really going to get their asses kicked by the girls???

Cheers and Hail

Fatpickled: Ten Post From Year 1

Here’s the final celebration of Fatpickled turning 1 last week…a list of 10 posts I think you should read. I can’t really call them a best of, or a top 10 list, because they would need to be award winning pieces or something for that. Nope, not winning any awards here at Fatpickled, just trying to entertain some of the people, some of the time. If you’ve been with me since the beginning, here’s a chance to relieve some old memories. If your new to the site, here’s a chance to catch up on some older posts. Whatever category you fit in, thanks for following Fatpickled.

Guys Night Out

This was a post about all the athletes I want to hang out with and have a beer. It was the most visited post I’ve ever done.

The Caddyshack Remake…Starring???

Over 3500 unique votes were cast to decide who should star in the Caddyshack remake.

Just Another Sunday Night

The his and hers diary of a Redskins fan coping with a loss.

Hot Chicks

Coverage of the Sweet 16 Hot Chicks tournament won by Julianne Hough.

I Don’t Like The Yankees So Much

Probably the true winner of the most visited post ever, but we’ll never know as all the Yankees fans crashed the site for 8 days.

Dallas Week

Billy Bob Thornton Game

Athlete Interviews

Sail Away With Me

The Last Word In Big D

Cheers and Hail

Taking A Rip At Ripken

We all have a professional athlete that’s our favorite, one that’s just on a different level from all the rest. For me, it’s Cal Ripken, hands down. So when I was surfing the web a few years ago and stumbled across Ripken Baseball’s fantasy camp, I knew I had to go.

So that’s how it came to be that I dug in to the box to bat against Cal Ripken. He wasn’t throwing batting practice puss. No, Cal was mixing it up. Our count ran to 3-2 before I laced my frozen rope down the 3rd base line. Fastballs and curveballs up and down, in and out. And then…boom. Being the competitor that Cal is, my second time up he threw me change up that almost made me throw my back out. The double comes around the 15 sec mark, and check out the stache on my teammate.

And I came back the following year to have that catch with Cal. I guess all he needed was a good battery mate to fix his pitching problems. He pitched a two hit shutout.

Round trip airfare from Tampa to Baltimore…$250

Cheers and Hail

Top 10 Reasons I’m Old

#10. When I walk into a Hollister or Abercrombie, all the employees wonder who’s Dad just walked in.

#9 I remember buying Motley Crue and Poison’s first albums (cassette tapes.) Now they are considered classic rock.

#8. I’m in the worst shape of my life, by far. And my liver….well it’s just pissed at me.

#7. My favorite shows are no longer on TV, even in syndication.

#6. My Ipod playlist titled “New Stuff” is a collection of late 90′s and early 00′s songs.

#5. I’m older than every Redskins player except for 3. (the red snapper, Todd Collins, and Phillip Daniels, who shares by B-day!) I’m older than a couple of their coaches!

#4. I say things like “when I was growing up,” or “it seems like yesterday,” or “that was 10 years ago?”

#3. When my parents and uncles were 35, I thought they looked ancient. Now I think they look pretty damn good.

#2. In order to see my favorite bands in concert, they have to be on a reunion tour.

#1. I still have Suzanne Somers in my spank bank.

Cheers and Hail

Fatpickle? Really?

So as my family, friends, and strangers visit this blog the question is “Fatpickle?” Who or what is Fatpickle? I’m going to try to explain in this post.First of all I’d like to continue to let the legend grow, but it doesn’t pertain to a part of my anatomy. No, if that was the case the blog would be titled Averagepickle (Rebecca this is where you post a message saying that I am being modest, and that I am HUGE!).

Fatpickle receives mail. He gets store catalogs, applications for credit, and has been a loyal subscriber to Sports Illustrated since the mid 90′s. Fatpickle also gets phone calls from telemarketers. Example phone call:

Cheers and Hail!

My NBA Economic Stimulas Plan

I think we have all felt the effects of our falling economy. It appears that the NBA is not immune to these turbulent times. Last week they announced the pending layoffs of 80 employees. Not underachieving players, but staffers, or the average Joe’s like you and I. Unlike the NFL, where players sacrifice their bodies for short term careers with non-guaranteed contracts, NBA players enjoy guaranteed contracts. These guaranteed contracts usually result in the NBA franchise taking it on the chin as the guaranteed player sleepwalks thru another game, or shows up late to an 11am shoot around. Who can forget Sprewell when he said “Why would I want to help them win a title? They’re not doing anything for me. I got my family to feed.” This was after the Timberwolves offered him a guaranteed 3 year 30 million dollar deal which he found insulting. Evidently Sprewell was right about going broke, he recently went bankrupt after finding a way to lose the 96 million he earned in his career. Whether its smoking a little weed, fighting in the stands, fathering 13 kids, or disrespecting our national anthem, NBA players have shown us that they are not deserving of 120 million dollar max contracts.

So, my plan to save the jobs of the 80 staffers is simple, the players are going to participate. If the league is indeed struggling, the players and their guaranteed contracts are not. The NBA will pay out 2 Billion in player salaries this year! That’s right 2 billion!

My plan is to tax them 1%. For every $100 they earn, they will donate one dollar. Money I would never miss, let alone the average NBA player earning 5.6 million per year. This 1% tax will result in a pool of 20 million to pay the 80 staffers. Assuming the average staffer was making $75,000 per year (probably generous), this will be enough money to pay their salaries for the next 3 years. This will actually create a surplus of 2 million dollars, which I will take for a consulting fee.

So a quick recap, a bunch of underachieving millionaires get taxed 1% for one year. This 1% tax saves the jobs of 80 decent hard-working people for 3 years, by which time I pray our economy is fixed. And lets not forget just how many lives are affected by those 80 firings, there are spouses and children that suffer.

I’m all in, what do you think? Anyone have David Stern’s number?