Posts Tagged ‘e4three’

E4three32: NBA Vs. NCAA Basketball? Everything and More

Recently some donk came in where I bartend and started talking about how much better NCAA basketball is than the NBA. All the while I stood there politely nodding my head and holding back my thoughts on the topic, hoping that by pretending to be interested in what this guy was saying I might be able to get a pretty good tip. But the fact of the matter is…this guy is an idiot, and if you feel the same way this guy does, guess what…you’re an idiot too! Now it wouldn’t be fair to just call you an idiot and that be the end of it, rather I’m going to list the numerous reasons why the NBA is flatout just better than college basketball…

  • They play 3x as many games - I get sick of hearing people saying that college kids try harder. If your wife asks you to lay the wood once a day you’d go all out. Let her ask you to lay it 3x a day and see if you’re pulling out all the usual tricks each time
  • There are way too many white guys in college basketball…at times it almost seems unrealistic to me
  • College basketball never had LeBron James, Kobe Bryant, Dwight Howard, or Amare Stoudemire, Kevin Garnett, Tracy McGrady…should I keep going?
  • High school players try pretty hard and want to win…does that mean I should compare them with NBA players?
  • Sit courtside at a college game and then at a NBA game…the speed of the game is like comparing apples to oranges or better yet…women to men
  • It’s a possibility your girlfriend would bang Tyler Hansbrough…it’s a certainty your gilfriend would bang Dwayne Wade
  • There are 347 Division I teams consisting of about 4,200 college basketball players. Only sixty players are drafted into the NBA each year. That means only 1.4% of these kids are even good enough to ever step foot on an NBA floor
  • I’m guessing you still want amatuer players to represent USA in the olympics?
  • Name one NBA player that is so skinny he has to wear a t-shirt under his jersey
  • Name one NBA player with pimples
  • ATHLETICISM, ATHLETICISM, ATHLETICSIM…like Shaq says, Lebron should be a cheat code

Damn…that tip wasn’t worth it.

Until Next time,


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Posted by E4three32    Date: Friday, May 22, 2009

Categories: E4three32, NBA, NCAA

Tags: , , ,


The following group of NBA players are those that I believe to be the most humble in the league. I’m positive that they thank God everyday for the basketball talent he has blessed them with. Because without the size and athletic ability that has allowed them to make millions of dollars, there is no way they could be pulling in the broads they do on a nightly basis.

Introducing…The NBA First Team All Ugly

C - George Muresan - Michael Phelps?

PF - Tyrone Hill - If you were ever to see the 76er’s play when he did, I can only pray you didn’t have floor seats

SF - Tyshaun Prince

SG - Delante West

PG - Sam Cassell - Quite possibly the from a different planet

Sixth Man Award
Andrei Kirilenko - He deserves this award mainly because his wife reportedly allows him one free “bang pass” a year as long as she is in the room watching. Nobody was more mad than Jerry Sloan when hearing he has repeatedly used this pass on John Amechi.

Coach of the Year
Stan Van Gundy - Just pretend

Rookie of the Year
Greg Oden

All-Time MVP
Reggie Miller

Until Next Time,

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Posted by E4three32    Date: Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Categories: E4three32, NBA

Tags: , , ,

E4three32: Please Don’t

Fatpickle’s note: Please welcome E4three32 as a regular contributor to Fatpickled. E is an aspiring screen writer (his first script is badass!) and CPA. He played college basketball (an astounding accomplishment coming from my family loins,) and brings his special brand of wit and humor to us. Welcome aboard E!

I’ve never been a big fan of letting a pro athlete KNOW that I KNOW who they are by actually telling them I KNOW who they are. Unless I’m attending an autograph signing or preseason camp I have no business trying to take a picture with them or reminiscing with them about a touchdown catch or “nuts in your face” dunk they had on SportsCenter’s Top 10 List.

That is why when I saw Gilbert Arenas at Chuckie Cheese I didn’t try to join him in a game of Wack-a-Mole or combine tickets to get the biggest prize (by the way when your Gilbert Arenas you don’t waste time trying to win tickets, you just pay absurd amounts of money to get what you want.) However, as he walked by me playing a basketball arcade game I did yell out “Hibachi” as I hit my shots on a game built for three-year olds. Now I don’t know if he looked back and laughed at me or if he was actually looking right through me and laughing at someone else, but I did feel as though he appreciated me not starting an autograph frenzy by yelling out “Agent Zero” at the top of my lungs while doing back-flips begging him to autograph my chest. That is why I have come up with this list of things not to do when seeing a professional athlete in public for all of you douches out there who act like the kid who Punk’d Dirk Nowitzki on a daily basis:

If they are eating, LEAVE them alone - there’s no doubt Dwight Howard wanted to pimp slap all of these people…except the one Asian girl across from them whom he wanted to lay the Superman pipe to

If you do try to take a picture with them, make sure you know who they are – I once watched a kid take a picture with Chris Samuels only to turn around and say thanks LaVar…come on you can’t mistake #60

Don’t ask them if they want to hangout later on at night just because they accept a drink from you at a bar – every athlete knows what happened in “Celtic Pride”

Don’t ever tell them they have a hot girlfriend/wife and then ask her name – “Hey man she’s hot, what’s her name so I can spank it to her later”

Unless the appearance is for autographs and pictures, don’t even try

If an athlete makes fun on you, don’t brag about it to other people like your cool – true story, an athlete once told me I had small equipment…I told other people to explain to them that it was a black man and obviously to him I seemed smaller but in a lacrosse locker room I’d be worshipped…but I didn’t tell them because it was the Phillies first baseman

No high-fives, hugs, or chest-bumps – a handshake could be acceptable

Don’t tell them about how you tattooed their number on your asscheek one night you got hammered

Don’t strike up a conversation in the bathroom

Don’t ever be the creepy guy in the background of a picture – you look happy, but they sure as hell don’t

And above all, if you are lucky enough to get a picture with a professional athlete, never put that picture up as your profile picture on Facebook or Myspace – everyone that knows you, knows you are not friends with them and chances are YOU NEVER WILL BE

Please read this list over and try not to act like a love-struck thirteen year old next time you see a professional athlete out.

Oh yeah, and hot girls…please disregard this list and remember everything here is even more acceptable when done topless!

Until NextTime,

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Posted by E4three32    Date: Sunday, March 1, 2009

Categories: E4three32, Redskins, Wizards

Tags: , , , ,