The NFL CBA/Lockout For Dummies

Cannot, triple stamp, no erasies!

Collective bargaining, decertifying, lock outs and lawsuits…it’s hard for the common man/woman to make heads or tails of the current NFL situation. Well, you can do 1 of 2 things. First, you can hire yourself a Philadelphia lawyer to review all of the lawsuit documents, memos and press releases and still not grasp wtf is going on. Or, I recommend your second choice…let me translate the various legal terms and quotes from NFL sources for you. Ladies and gentlemen, the NFL CBA for Dummies.

Topic: NFLPA union decertifies

Translation: F you we’re out of here. You want to play dirty…we’ll play dirty.

Topic: NFL owners lock out players

Translation: You can’t break up with me, I came here to break up with you…and it’s my house so your stuff is sitting on the curb and I changed the locks. Don’t call me, don’t text me and don’t sleep with my friends.

Topic: NFLPA asks NFL for 10 years of audited financial statements

Translation: This is the equivalent of asking your wife for a random BJ on a Tuesday afternoon. You know this is never going to happen but you have to float the idea just to feel good about the fact that you at least you tried. Cheers to you Mr. BJ asker man.

Topic: NFL Owners don’t want financial statements made public do to possible embarrassment

Translation: Dan Snyder wants no one, I repeat no one to know how much $$$ he has paid Vinny Cerrato to be a “consultant” the past year and half. He also has no interest in publicly disclosing how much Redskins $$$ he is funneling to Johnny Rockets, Dick Clark Productions or his legal fund against the Washington City Paper.

Topic: Roger Goodell announces he’ll reduce his salary to $1.

Translation: This is a PR move, I can afford it and I’m making a $1 more than the players!

Topic: Players file lawsuit against the NFL led by Tom Brady and Vincent Jackson

Translation: Our lawsuit has great hair and a drinking problem!

Topic: Both the NFL and the players say we’ll have a 2011 season

Translation: The makeup sex is going to be great!

My name is Fatpickle, I’m for the players and I approved this message! Let em play!

Cheers and Hail

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