Author Archive

Michael Westbrook Has Found A New Opponent To Fight

We’ve seen Michael Westbrook knock out a teammate, give a bully a beatdown and have an MMA match with an oddly small man. Westbrook is now taking his Black Belt in Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu to your local cable provider’s On Demand channel. Westbrook will be fighting Steven Seagal in a movie currently filming entitled Force of Execution. I say the movie will be available On Demand because I can’t remember the last Steven Seagal movie that opened in theaters. I think in the old days…or not so long ago, these movies were straight-to-video. I do have to say that I do enjoy me some Under Seige and Out For Justice.

In retirement, Westbrook has settled in Arizona and seems to have dedicated his life to Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu. Westbrook will even train you to kick someone’s ass! He has 3 children and doesn’t give a shit about football…which makes perfect sense because he never cared about football when he was playing. As far as his new career as an actor, I’m assuming it will be Westbrook taking the beating this time.

Now, if you’ll excuse me…I’m going to see if I can find Out For Justice On Demand.

Cheers and Hail

Handing Out Christmas Gifts To The Redskins

Photo via Burgundy Blog

Fatpickle has a bag full of gifts for the Redskins, let’s see who’s been naughty or nice.

Dan Snyder - 5inches. It’s the only thing I can figure to give to a man who has it all. He can use it to be taller or use it in his pants…either way I’m guessing he can use it.

Mike Shanahan - 3 Airbrush Tans from Tandulgence in Ashburn, VA. We gotta have Shanny looking his best for the playoffs.

Robert Griffin III - The world’s largest trophy case, he’s going to need it to hold all the hardware he’s going to collect in his career.

Alfred Morris - A new car, hit me up ALF…I’m in the business and know people.

Santana Moss - 15 more snaps a game, he’s still getting the job done and deserves them.

Leonard Hankerson - stick-em…please share this gift with Niles Paul.

Logan Paulsen - a razor, a bar of soap, a gift certificate to Great Clips and a sandwich…you know, stocking stuffers.

Chris Cooley - a home playoff game.

Trent Williams - a toke. He’s been awesome this year and I know he loves it…just don’t get caught.

London Fletcher - 5 minutes alone with the Cleveland Brown’s Security Department.

Brian Orakpo - Arnold Schwarzenegger’s pecs (when Arnold was in his prime).

DeAngelo Hall - the ability to play well the rest of the year…and a suitcase for after. (I hid Brandon Banks in the suitcase)

Lorenzo Alexander - A trip to the Pro Bowl, it’s well deserved.

Barry Cofield - more sacks…this is really a gift for me cuz I love the taser sack dance so much.

Sav Rocca - Another shrimp off the Barbie and a good Australian beer, apparently Australians think Fosters is piss water.

Kai Forbath - a shoe that fits, not to be worn until after the Super Bowl of course.

Merry Christmas to all. Cheers and Hail

A Boy Named Muffin

It was the Spring of 1994 and I was in a tough spot with my girlfriend. I’m not sure if it was my fault or just life that had our relationship at this tipping point but I knew that I needed to express how much I loved this girl. So, I set out to show her like a broke 20 year old college student who doesn’t know any better should.

I started by decorating my room with the words from the Alan Jackson song ‘Wanted’. Next, I bought a 5 carat cubic zirconium tennis bracelet…yep CZ’s that’s how I rolled. As if this scene that was playing out in my parent’s basement couldn’t get any cheesier, I decided I needed one additional prop. I went to a local pet shop and spent the last $30 I had on a black kitten that at the time was just 1 of a million black kittens in the world. The tennis bracelet was placed on the kitten’s neck and I hoped for the best…I ended up getting lucky that night and I’m lucky enough to wake up beside that girl everyday of my life. The kitten was named Muffin and little did I know he would be a part of our lives for nearly 20 years. To say that Muffin was a family pet would be an injustice…he was a dear friend and the greatest wing-man I ever had.

Muffin was with us when we moved into our first apartment together and when we bought our first house. I would walk in the front door after work and call out his name in a high-pitched, drawn out voice…”mmuuufffffffiiiiiiiiinnnn.” He would come running to me only to fall over just a few feet short…rolling on his back and purring in happiness. We had games that we played, one was a petting game. Muffin would head butt my balled up fist in a loving manner with such force that it sounded like 2 football helmets crashing…he would be purring and so happy. The next step to the game was when I would rub my hand down the rest of his body and when I got to his tail he would spin around and hiss at me and bite me. He would then turn around, purr, head butt my fist again…I would pet his tail again, he’d spin around and hiss at me and bite me again and we’d repeat this cycle until one of us lost interest.

Muffin loved paper balls…the sound of a piece of paper being waded up into a ball was heaven to Muffin. He would show up out of nowhere to chase, fetch and bat the ball all over the house. Muffin loved “sun puddles”… all he needed was a ray of sunshine shining thru a window and he was napping in ecstasy.

Muffin was with us when we decided to move to Florida. By this time we had added another 2 cats to our family…Muffin was not so happy about this and neither was I. We drove 15 hours in the car only stopping for kitty breaks. 48 hours after arriving in Florida we were amazed to find out that we were expecting a child. As it turned out, Florida turned to be the perfect retirement destination for Muffin.

Muffin loved Florida, the warm climate was good for his bones and he had all the sun puddles he could handle. But, time is nobody’s friend and the years finally caught up. I eventually stopped yelling his name when I got home because he could no longer hear my voice. He would still curl up and purr beside a paper ball but no longer had the energy to do anything else with it. He’d still head but my hand but didn’t hiss and bite me when I pissed him off by petting his butt. He loved though…he still loved us with all he had left.

I was alone with Muffin today when he passed…the two of us together just like we were in that pet store in 1994. As I was petting him during his last breaths I realized that I got all I ever “wanted” back in my parent’s basement. I replaced the cubic zirconium with a certified diamond and married my soul mate. We have a beautiful son and live less that a mile from the beach…the place we always wanted be. It’s been a long and winding journey and Muffin was there for most of it. He wasn’t 1 of a million kittens, he was 1 in a million. Thanks for being part of the ride my friend…I hope kitty heaven is full of paper balls and sun puddles. Goodbye “mmuuufffffiiiiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnn.”

Time For Shanny To Stop Banking On Banks

Mike Shanahan discussing Brandon Banks earlier in the season:

He’s a guy that’s a playmaker, and he’s proved that since he’s been here. We’re going to find ways to get him the football.”

Well, you’ve tried Shanny and it’s failed…however, it’s not for a lack of trying. The Shanny’s have force fed the ball to Banks with terrible results. This experiment has failed worse than a TE reverse and almost as bad as Shanny hitching his reputation to Rex Grossman and John Beck.

Here’s how bad Banks has been:

In the Redskins last 5 games Banks has 4 rushes for 7 yards and 5 receptions for negative 4 yards. That’s 9 offensive touches and a total of 3 yards. Jamie Mottram could do better.

Banks has 7 receptions for 7 yards this season. Grant Paulsen is more elusive as a Wide Receiver.

Banks has zero kick returns in 40% of the Redskins games this season…so the 1 thing he does well is pretty much non-existent do to the new rules.

Banks punt return stats in 40% of this season’s games: negative 3 yards, negative 1 yard, negative 4 yards and 1 yard. Again, the one thing he does well has been neutralized. Kevin Ewoldt can do better.

Banks has 1 TD in 231 career touches, I’m pretty sure I can score a TD with 231 touches.

Banks hasn’t scored a regular season TD since October of 2010.

Banks has 20 career offensive touches totaling 70 yards and ZERO TD’s. 3.5 yards per touch.

Banks seems to fumble out of bounds at the end of every play.

It’s time to move on from the “Speedy” Banks era. Give Niles Paul a chance to return kick-offs and put Santana Moss back on punt returns. Let Ewoldt, Mottram or Paulsen take the offensive reps, we can’t do any worse.

I’ m begging you Wooden Teeth, please take all of the Banks plays out of the playbook. While you’re at it take the TE reverse and option plays out of there…use them all as kindling. Maybe throw the ball downfield again, great things seem to happen when you do.

Cheers and Hail

Send Chris Cooley Beer

Not sure the Octoberfest is going to make it to you buddy...

Chris Cooley has re-signed with the Washington Redskins, answering the prayers of thousands of fans and making Chris happy as well. While Chris had the chance to sign with several other NFL teams (yes, that’s a fact) he stayed loyal to the only team he’s ever and probably will ever play for. Something virtually unheard of in this day in age. However, the Redskins failed to award Cooley with a signing bonus on the veteran’s minimum contract he signed. What bonus was Chris seeking?

“Literally, I have text correspondence trying to negotiate a case of beer into my contract. They wouldn’t do it. I wanted it in writing so much.”

So if the Redskins won’t do it, why don’t the fans? Chris Cooley wants a case of beer, if you’re over 21 you can buy a case of beer. They have people that will deliver this beer to Redskins Park. What better way is there to welcome back your favorite player than to send him a case of beer? What better way is there to thank one of the greatest players in Redskins history for remaining loyal is there than to send him a case of beer? It’s what he wants and he likes beer…make him happy Redskins Nation.

I would love to see Redskins Park full of FedEx trucks, UPS trucks and Beer trucks dropping off cases of beer. Let’s start a movement here. #sendcooleybeer

You can mail the beer to

Washington Redskins
c/o Chris Cooley
21300 Redskin Park Dr.
Ashburn, VA 20147-6100

Click here for a link to Total Wine in Sterling, VA. They ship beer.

Cheers and Hail

Redskins vs Giants: My Thoughts

First, I’ll state the obvious. Robert Griffin III is a complete bad-ass. Forget about him being a rookie, he’s in the argument for who’s best player in the NFL.

Jason Pierre-Paul warned RG3 not to “bring it to my side.” Well, RG3 did…and I think an equipment guy had to pick up JPP’s jock.

The Redskins first drive of the game was 17 plays and 93 yards. The drive resulted in a FG which was a let down, but wow! The 2nd drive was 8 plays for 80 yards and a TD. This offense is for real.

Alfred Morris. He’s come out of nowhere to be a Pro Bowl caliber running back. When Larry Brown is comparing himself to Albert and Joe Theismann is comparing ALF to John Riggins…we got something here.

The Redskins punted 1 time, I repeat the Redskins punted 1 time!

I can only assume that London Fletcher is hurt. He had 20+ tackles a couple weeks ago but looked…dare I say old…today.

People love to hate on Reed Doughty. Sure he’s a liability in coverage but I still love the guy. He came back from a strained knee (doubtful to return per the Redskins) and made some big tackles.

Santana Moss with 2 big plays showing that he’s still a weapon. Santana Moss with a bad fumble, showing that he still knows how to do that too.

Josh Wilson had trouble with Victor Cruz all day. If Eli Manning hadn’t decided to throw like Nuke Laloosh when throwing to a wide open Cruz, Cruz may’ve had 3TD’s and 200+ yards easily. That being said…wtf was Madieu Williams doing on the 77 yarder?

Hate to see Fred Davis lost for the season. With the exception of Pierre Garcon, (what’s his deal) Davis is the Redskins best receiving threat. Davis was good for 15+ yards every time he touched the ball. In related news, 90% chance Fred Davis is getting high right now.

Logan Paulsen, I see you…stay hungry my friend.

How does a team rush for 248 yards and lose the game? Oh yeah, turnovers.

Game on the line, late in the 4th quarter and a huge 3rd down…we dial up an option play to Niles Paul? Are you kidding me with this?

Christopher K Cooley, back away from the kiln.

Here’s what matters most, playing front yard football with my 7 year old while imitating RG3…

Cheers and Hail